What Makes a Champion?

As we reach the final few weeks of ‘improvement season’ I have found myself asking that question repeatedly, “What makes a champion?” Is it something that can be universally defined, or is it better interpreted individual to individual? According to my Google search, a champion is described as follows:

Cham-pi-on (noun) 1. a person who has defeated or surpassed all rivals in a competition, especially in sports. 2. a person who fights or argues for a cause or on behalf of someone else.

So a champion is exemplified by the battles you win and the trophies you collect? Well I beg to differ. Where does integrity come in to play, or perseverance, or a positive attitude; or simply the ability to admit to mistakes and begin again? Do these qualities not also thoroughly characterize a champion as well? I’m pretty sure my 5th place trophy still makes me a champion; though I wasn’t able to  surpass all rivals in my competition, I still managed to exceed my personal expectations and self-doubt. Boom! Champion.

Though I’ve known Brittany for quite some time it wasn’t until recently that our friendship really started to blossom, and it couldn’t have happened at a more appropriate juncture. You see, Brittany has lost 90lbs in the past year – 90lbs! And you ask her how? “Eating right and exercising – you know, the hard way.” So when she came to me last month talking about her lack of motivation it really got my own wheels turning – where had my motivation gone? It had been 3 weeks since I had seen the inside of a gym, 3 weeks since I tracked a macro, 3 weeks since I really cared about my physical and mental well-being, and Lord knows how long since I actually attempted to motivate someone else! How could I offer her any support if I couldn’t even lift myself up? I couldn’t. So I tore all the walls down and was as brutally honest with her as a could be; that’s when Brittany became my champion. “Don’t take this the wrong way,” she told me, “but I love that you’re human too.”

I am human. You are human. We’re all humans! (Surprised?) We all make mistakes, we all have set-backs, but that doesn’t make you or me any less of a champion. So your walls aren’t lined with trophies and awards and you don’t get 500 likes on your Instagram post – if you get out of bed each morning with the determination to make your day (and hopefully someone else’s along the way) a little brighter, then haven’t you won even a tiny victory? You don’t have to live, breathe and bleed fitness to be a model athlete – you can have your pizza and eat it too…in moderation. Living is just as important to one’s physical and mental well-being as lifting weights.

So Brittany made a goal for 2015 – instead of focusing on how far she has left to go, she has decided to focus her efforts on running 365mi this year and to give herself more credit for the progress she has made and continues to make. I’d like to commend her for that, but not only that, she’s also encouraged me to make more attainable and rewarding goals for myself this season.

Last season I spent a vast majority of prep feeling inadequate and down about my personal progress because I was so busy comparing myself to other athletes. Now that I know I can complete the physical requirements of the sport I’d like to give my mind the grace it deserves (Coach B is snickering at this point), but not just through bodybuilding, in all aspects of my life as well. This season I resolve to bring the best package I can, while still remaining true to myself and genuinely appreciating the process. Whether I leave the 2015 NPC stage with trophies or not, I’ll still leave it a champion because I’ve run the race as hard as I possibly could without cheating anyone else, myself included.

 Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Hebrews 12:1

It Starts With Food…

But it’s really about living. It’s been 2.5 weeks since my competition debut and as my 2014 NPC season has come to a close and I sit down to reflect on the incredible journey I have traveled this year, my mind can only wander towards what possibilities lie in 2015. That being said, improvement season started off with a bang! No really, I hit legs 3x a week – I literally can’t walk straight…ever. #GLUTES2015

I must say that the day was a success in every way, shape and form. It’s amazing how quickly it passed seeing as how I was performing on 4 hours of sleep, less than 10oz of water and only rice cakes (I lie, I snuck in some A LOT of peanut butter). I kept reminding myself of the excitement and how important the experience would be for me, so nerves never struck me until my foot hit the first stair onto stage, but then a judge winked at me so I blushed and almost tripped in true Katie fashion, but I persevered – and perspired – no less. I made 1st call outs in 2 of my 3 divisions and 2nd call outs in the 3rd and that was enough for me. The number of bikini competitors was overwhelming, yet I finished 5th in two of my classes & 6th in the 3rd, bringing home two bad-ass medals, a smile to last me weeks and more confidence than I’d ever experienced in my life. I met so many incredible people, but somehow in a room full of competition I walked out with more friends than anything. These girls know my struggle, they had experienced the hard work and dedication that goes into training; they know the late nights and early mornings, the growling of your stomach and the insatiable appetite for anything remotely resembling almond butter.

This lifestyle wasn’t/isn’t easy and not many can understand it, nor do they even care to, but having actually successfully lived through it – I can’t wait to start it all over again. Post-competition we ended up gorging ourselves (some more than others – Carlos ate an entire 16″ pie) on pizza, beer and cake balls – none of which I regret – and still found ourselves “fat and happy” in bed by 1am. I had oreos and milk for breakfast the next morning and then decided to begin again. I had tasted all the food and all of the beer my body thought it wanted and I needed that to be enough.

So I’ve been bitten by this competition bug, but it’s so much more than that. The first week post-competition was a disaster; I spent 3 days treading water in the kitchen simply because I didn’t know which direction to go, what was safe to eat, and what would pack on the dreaded “rebound” pounds; so after gaining 5lbs in the first 7 days, I contacted Brian Melancon of C620 Nutrition to ‘fix the busted can of biscuits’ I felt like. I’m in my second week of working with him and I see now that this lifestyle starts with food, but it’s more about living.

As I struggled through contest prep hitting every dead-end block in the neighborhood, I thought post-competition life would be awful trying to beat the rebound; I think even Carlos prepared for the worst – you can take an anorexic girl out of rehab, but you can’t take the anorexic tendencies out of the girl; but I’ve truly surprised myself. I’ve been given these tiny little macronutrient goals to hit each day, and as I get to flexibly decide what I put into my body within those margins, I find myself reaching for the healthier alternatives 9 times out of 10, the mantra “you are what you absorb” echoing in my skull. I’d rather have 2c of broccoli than some chips or I’d rather skip out on the wine with dinner because we have TONS of September birthdays to celebrate; I’ve gotten more creative at satisfying my sweet tooth and even discovered a fascination with fat free Greek yogurt.

I built the post-competition rebound into this giant scary monster, because in all honesty food has always been my enemy, but at the end of the day it, along with every thing else, is just a matter of perspective and a balancing act. I’m a much better person for attaining this aesthetic through healthy hard-work and dedication rather than allowing myself to starve thinking that abstaining from food as a whole was self-discipline. There are days I falter and definitely over-estimate two tablespoons of PB, and I still feel a pang of guilt if we go out for a slice of pizza, but we’re always a work in progress. I’m just anxious to continue on this journey and see what I can bring to the table in 2015…assuming I stop waddling by then.

Everything Else is Secondary

Inspired. Wow, where to start?

My goal in life has always been to help people; it is my passion, my calling, my virtue, my blessing and my curse. I will burn myself to the ground trying to light the path for others, and just when I thought that’s what I had done with this whole contest prep, I am uplifted by so many.

It’s been a very humbling process to be so self-absorbed, and that is only because I have always been a girl of little self-confidence. I will tactfully build you up or constructively criticize, but when it comes to me? I had no self-worth. Today, as I struggled with my scale like I do every Saturday morning, I began to think “Is this what I really want?” “I’m not going to win, so what’s the point?” “People are going to laugh at all your effort when you come home empty handed.” So I did what any girl thirsty for attention might do – I posted my progress pictures to my IG account. Feeling fat, bloated, lazy, congested, and exhausted, I uploaded my 2-weeks-out photo and you’ll never guess what happened! Nothing and everything all at once.

I started this process for me – not because I was tired of seeing pretty girls, not because I was insecure in my relationship, not because someone was being mean to me, but because I was tired of looking at my body and hating what I saw. So why should a competition change that, and why would I let it? No amount of comments or ‘likes’ can change how I feel, no plastic trophy is going to give me that self-worth. What does give me self-worth are the people who contact me after my posts and ask for my advice or my help because I have indirectly, through building my own self-esteem and allowing it to be viewed publicly, unlocked the door for others to do the same.

I am in competition with no one other than myself – to be the best me that I can be, and frankly, given my history I’ll never be 100% satisfied with where I am, but I’ll always be so proud of where I’ve come from. That’s what body building is about anyway – progress.

You may think that the world is out to get you, or that life is unfair or that people think you’re stupid – or just whatever – but 99% of the time you’re wrong. People love a success story, and all the hardships you may encounter a long the way, well they only make it more real. And those people that do make fun of you? They really are just jealous, because it takes a lot, and I mean A LOT, to get to this point…a lot more than the average man or woman could understand, but you’re not doing this for them. That’s the key to success – courage to follow your own goals and ambitions; everything else is secondary.

The Great Debate

We’re in the home stretch – exactly 2.5 weeks ’til competition time! I couldn’t be more relieved. To be honest this has probably been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done, not because I can’t eat the foods I want (I’m pretty creative in the kitchen), but mainly because I’m so tired of constantly judging myself…and maybe I need a beer…or three.

In a matter of 3 years I’ve gone from ED rehab to fat (plain and simple) to “Let’s critique our bodies 24/7, but we’ll call it healthy.” It’s been a roller coaster to say the least and I really want to focus less on my body and more on my health and helping others achieve the same thing.

I’ve told Carlos a thousand times over that I am proud of my body and the changes it’s made, but I’m not happy with it from a competition stand-point; I don’t think it’s ready. I’m constantly judging myself to the NPC’s standards instead of my personal image of health. If I weren’t competing in 2.5 weeks, I’d probably walk around in a bikini just to flaunt my 6-pack, but instead I stare at the little bit of fat left hanging on my thighs or love handles because they’re not stage-suitable. While I am extremely proud of Los and I for the dedication and self-control we’ve demonstrated over the last 10 weeks, I’m definitely looking forward to relaxing a bit and sculpting my body the way I see fit. I have loved this challenge for what it is; however, I learned a lot in therapy about obsessing over food and body image, and sometimes I think that a lot of girls who’ve been in my shoes choose fitness as an escape – it’s just a healthy alternative to an unhealthy lifestyle. So I’m ready for balance again, but I’m scared of what’s to come. I’m reverse dieting to avoid post-competition weight gain and I’m mentally preparing myself for the 5-8lbs of healthy weight I’m going to put on, but it’s still a lot to take on. What’s another challenge though?

That being said, I’m left to discuss the great debate that’s flooded my fitness-oriented Facebook and Instagram lately: IIFYM v. Clean Eating ::cue the dramatic tones:: And you’ll never guess where Simple Sally herself sits…right on the fence, as usual.

If It Fits Your Macros, or ‘If It Fits Your Mouth,’ as I like to call it, is the kind of diet plan designed for people who don’t have much self-control or desire to be truly health conscious. It’s for the Pop-Tart-Lovers and Oreo-Eaters (no shame in that game – I’m 100% Pro Pop Tart) of the Fitness World. You basically carry a calculator around in your pocket day-in and day-out, where you subtract the macro-nutrients in each meal from a designated daily total, and when you’re done…you’re done. Whether you’ve eaten 3 cheeseburgers that day or 12 salads, once you meet your mark the kitchen is closed. It’s like eating on a budget.

Clean Eating is more generic. It’s healthier food options (whole foods, organic, superfoods, etc), and once or twice a week you get an un-calculated, guilt-free cheat meal. These are the eaters who fuel their bodies with quality foods for better performance and who eat for health and longevity instead of looks and aesthetics. Maybe Paleo would fall into this category, but I’m still researching that diet fad – and tempted to give it a go, but more on that later.

Simplified, if you put low-grade fuel & oil in your Bugatti, it’s not going to run as long or as hard as a well-maintenanced sports car, but it still holds the Bugatti name, right? I’m determined to find that balance in the off-season. I never want to be a girl who preaches health and fitness, but is posted up eating Twinkies on the regular, nor do I want to hide in the shadows when Twinkie-Tuesday rolls around.

So as competition season comes to a much-celebrated close I’m going to continue to post, but I want to remove the focus from myself and center it more towards you all. I want to continue to better myself by sharing my knowledge and foodie experiments with others, so we’re going to get creative in the kitchen, creative in the gym and see where that takes us.

That being said, Carlos and I have dedicated ourselves to our bodies for 12-weeks and the results have been incredible, but I want to see what results we can achieve as “Average Joe’s” on a regular-man’s diet, and I want to help others do the same. Recently we teamed up with Dr. Shute and AdvoCare to help others gain the additional nutrition their bodies require. If you’re looking for any help, whether it’s with nutrition, working out, supplementation or just some motivation – feel free to e-mail me or Facebook me (all info is to the right) and we’ll get started, or if you want to take a look around our website and have any questions about the products or the ordering process just click on our picture below.

Everyone’s A Critic

Before I jump right in to today’s RANT: I hope you like the new look, and I added my social media to the right side – for those interested. I wanted to give my blog a more personal touch as I’m getting closer to the show (3.5 weeks), and I have a lot of big things happening in my life…so stay tuned!

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So here I go…again. The thing about the fitness industry is that everyone is a critic, but rightfully so. Whether it’s to attain a certain aesthetic or to achieve a certain goal, your body is going to change, and someone is going to be right there to compliment and criticize you. There’s a reason we hire coaches and trainers and dietitians – to professionally and tactfully critique our plans. If you are not educated in the field, or an athlete yourself, then your comments will probably end up being more hurtful than helpful.

Nothing irks my nerves quite like a woman referring to another woman as “too masculine,” or making light of her hard work and effort just to belittle her decision to have muscles of any shape and size. People fail to understand the hard work, the time, the money, the dedication…the blood, sweat and tears (because that’s EXACTLY what it is) that goes into the makings of a great physique. When you tear someone down by saying, “Ew, she looks like a man,” or “Real women have curves,” you’re not really seeing that person for who they truly are. And who put the stigma on women that we must have fatty-curves? Or that we couldn’t have the muscular definition of a bicep? And who are you to say that a woman is too “bulky?” Better yet, what would you think of me if I bullied an overweight woman? Wouldn’t it be fair for me to call someone fat, or to even to simply say, “She could stand to lose a few.” Opinions are like assholes…If ‘curves’ make you happy, then I’m happy for you.

Of course, over time I’ve developed a thicker skin, probably due to those bulging muscles protecting my soft, delicate, feminine heart, and those comments don’t really hurt me personally; I’ve learned to view them as a sign of insecurity. When I see other people criticize Dana Lynn Bailey for strong delts, thick quads, and muscular abdominals, I think to myself, “Have you nothing better to do with your time?” Because while you sit their and insult her hard work and dedication to something SHE enjoys (which she probably does without giving any thought to you), what are you doing? Oh yeah, sitting there. Get a hobby.

In theory, it’s really the same as someone insulting the outfit you chose to wear, the color or your hair, or the style of your make-up — unnecessary and hurtful.

My boyfriend recently decided to share his 3 month progress with the world and someone had to audacity to respond, “A bit too much for my taste.”

Well lady, let me tell you, he didn’t bravely share his photo just for your opinion, nor did he shed all that fat and build all that muscle for you, so sit down. Bodybuilding is a selfish sport – it is greedy and narcissistic in a sense. I’ve spent the last 8 months tearing my body apart. I have lost over 25 pounds of fat and built up who knows how much muscle, but there are days that I get up and don’t want to leave the house because I am ashamed of my body and it’s lack of progress. There are days that I get little sleep and my body is retaining water and I feel fat and bloated. There are days that I don’t want to go workout, that I’m tired of eating clean, that I want to go out and have a few beers with my friends – but it’s a process, and I have dedicated myself to it and I’m going to see it through. With that being said, I am more hard on myself than anyone ever could be, so the last thing I need is someone telling me that I’m “too muscular,” or as my mother so eloquently put it, “losing my sweet femininity.” Like I said, it’s a process – We bust our ass for this process and you don’t have to like it, but the least you can do is respect it.

“If you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing at all.”

What Drives You?

I’m under the impression that there are three types of people in this world: Competitive and Self-Propelled, and as with everything else, a little bit of grey area. After reading a recent Facebook post from a friend and fellow athlete, I’ve been inspired to delve into the topic full force.

Competitive

People of a competitive nature, I find, are the ones’s driven by outside forces. They are the ones who race the 90-year-old man power walking on the treadmill next to them, they’re the ones constantly scouring the Internet for photos of their ‘threats,’ they’re even the ones who have to take that one extra shot at the end of the night just to put everyone else under the table.  It has nothing to do with attention, but more so just the desire to be “the best, ” and that’s great (maybe not from an alcoholic standpoint), so long as they aren’t belittling their competition to make themselves appear that way.

In the COMPETITIVE world of bodybuilding, this is perfectly normal. To win, you have to have the best physique, the most disciplined diet, the perfect pose, and probably some really good genetics. You have to be selfish and obsessed with yourself to win; I mean, you devote 12 weeks of your life, 24/7, to perfecting your form only to stand on stage for seconds with countless other sweaty, glistening individuals, for 4-5 people to judge you…after ALL…THAT…HARD…WORK.

So a lot of the time you need outside sources of motivation. I know I’m constantly pinning quotes and pictures, changing the background on my phone, and researching fitness models for means of inspiration, but I find myself to be in the “grey category.” Before I get there though, let’s discuss the self-propelled.

Self-Propelled

These people are the one’s that require very little supervision in any line of work. They are motivated from a flame within, the desire to be their personal best, and to surpass their own expectation.  When I was running races in New Orleans, I found that self-motivation was my best cheerleader. I wasn’t concerned with placing first, because let’s face it, genetically I wasn’t supposed to be a runner, but I was very much interested in bettering my own time and my own form.

Again, in this competitive world of body building this is still a good strategy to have. This isn’t a sport you excel in overnight, and very few people go pro their first season. Muscle takes time to develop and grow, poses take time and practice to perfect; even hair, make-up and tanning is a trial and error process.  I have a good friend who lost an “overall” title based solely on her make-up application, but guess what? The next year, we tried something new with her look and she took home the gold.

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Like I said, I find that I fall within the grey area. Sure, I’m always aware of my competitors’ physiques and what kind of training they’re participating in, but I’m not bashing them or losing sleep comparing my body to theirs. What I am concerned with is how my body compares to the image I saw in the mirror the previous  morning. What I am concerned with are the hours I’m logging in the gym. What I am concerned with are the foods I’m filling my body with. And sometimes I need some exterior help for that; I need a second opinion, or a slap to the face to remind me it’s all in my head. And sometimes I can find that spark within myself. I have good days and I have bad days, and I bounce back and forth, but I’m giving it my personal best and that is satisfying enough for me.

Of course I want to go on stage and do well, but just getting on stage this season is a victory in itself for me, and if that’s not enough for another competitive bodybuilder, then so be it. I happen to know that some peoples’ best is only taking one bite of a cookie as opposed to eating the whole thing. And if that’s how they choose to train, then good for them.

Regardless of where your motivation comes from, or how hard you are or are not busting your ass, I’m not going to take it personally, because I’m too busy focusing on my own ass to worry about what yours looks like. It is not an insult to me or my sport if you want to gorge yourself on candy all night while I’m up riding a bike; I, too, would rather beat someone who gave their all as opposed to someone who half-assed it, but sometimes half-assing it is all you’ve got.

I hope that makes sense.

 

Strength Does Not Come From Physical Capacity

…it comes from an indomitable will. – Ghandi

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Lots to update, lots to share, and frankly, it’s 7:45am and I’m on my 2nd cup of coffee, so I’m ready to write.

We came, we saw, we conquered…in our own little way. Carlos and I ended up both placing third in our respective categories for the Times Best of Acadiana, which is pretty damn good if you ask me. Nobody at work cared, but I guess if you’re not first, you’re last.  Despite that, it was still a personal victory in my book.  The whole experience was very humbling and eye-opening; it’s made me want to be a better bartender, a better person, and kinder to everyone despite the gratuity they leave (but still…I got bills, y’all!).  And going from a few paintings every couple of months to 3-6 a week is a vast improvement for Carlos. I’m so proud of the effort he put into this whole project, and the response from people has been overwhelming. As far as the art thing goes, we’ve got some big things in the works. I’ve even picked up a paint brush to help out and we’ve got a little show coming up in August. Not only was I impressed by (and extremely grateful for) the outpouring of support from people, but I was surprised by the support we received in our personal life. So many people have been encouraging of our relationship, and that is something that is very hard to come by in today’s society.

So there’s that. #PowerCouple

Then there’s the whole training aspect of my life.  I’m 6 weeks sober, 6 weeks hungry, 6 weeks tired and 6 weeks in/6 weeks out! Now the response to my physical changes has also been overwhelming. I think the greatest compliment I’ve received however, came from an old high school buddy who took it upon himself to send me a little message explaining how much more confident I seem to be. After two bouts of ED therapy, body image is a touchy subject. I’ve had my fair share of up’s and down’s and I’m finally comfortable and proud of the work I put in. I didn’t starve myself to look this way. Which brings me to another point:

I got a new coach! I’m so happy to be working with someone reputable and local. My diet has dramatically improved and the calories have actually increased at this point. I’ve got some direction, some support and someone to be accountable to. So I’m eating more, I’m moving more, and…drumroll…the words “cheat” and “meal” have been mentioned! Crossing my fingers for a cheeseburger this Sunday (saving the pizza for my post-competition date)! I’m excited to be a part of a team, a group of like-minded individuals, and people to uplift my healthy choices and lifestyle.

After a brief period of emotional instability, I felt like I just really needed to change my focus. I went home for a few days, I cleared my head, I had some long talks with my dad and I came to several conclusions. Everything I’ve ever truly wanted in life has been difficult. I decided early in college that I wanted to be a runner like my dad, but born with “wonky” knees, flat feet and scoliosis, I wasn’t the most graceful on the track. With some time, persistence, new orthotics, and patience…I’ve successfully run several races in the New Orleans area. When I wanted to get into the #1 nursing school in the state of Louisiana, I had to jump through 1,000 hoops to transfer credits, fax forms, drive from New Orleans to Lafayette and back twice in one day to make deadlines, etc; but I did it.  When my heart decided I should move to Lafayette and every aspect of that fell through, I was still able to rise above. I landed an amazing job, worked my ass off to afford my own house, paid for my own schooling, and picked up the pieces of my shattered life by myself. Now I am in the best shape of my life, I’m happier than I can ever remember being, and I feel like I’m only on the up. I’m strong, but not because I’m in the gym 6 days a week, but because of my indomitable will.

When my training plan fell through earlier this year I was devastated. But now here I am, never having given up, and the support I’ve received from this is also overwhelming. I thought I was alone, I though I had nobody in the fitness community, but after a few handshakes and e-mails, I’ve got all the help I could need…and some.

I’m blessed, but a lot of these blessings came from my own persistence. Los called 2013 the year of the redhead, because it brought us together. He’s named 2014 the year of progress, and the progress we’ve made individually and together has been unimaginable.

On the topic of progress, I’ll leave you with a pre-humpday update. Since I’m working with a new team and a new plan, I’ve decided to nix the Red Stick August 2nd so I can fully dedicate my energy to prep for the last show of the season. The picture on the left is an embarrassing example of posing, but that’s what I was working with at the moment. So I’ve been killing glutes and hamstrings in an attempt for growth — My waist has come in significantly, my legs are leaning out and that booty is perking up. 6 weeks to go – and I’m definitely anxious to see where Team Driven takes me in that short amount of time.

All in all, no matter where you are in life, no matter what your goals are, no matter how alone you feel — it’s all a matter of perspective. The harder you work, the more rewards you will reap, but you have to open yourself to those rewards and allow them into your life. If you sit around sulking over the things you’ve lost or couldn’t have then you’ll never get anywhere; go out and make it happen. People are going to clown you, people are going to hate, but recenter your focus; it’s your life and your happiness, they’re just bystanders.

 

You Mean I’m the Zombie?!

I feel like I’m always writing about trials, or emotional breakdowns, or my pangs of competition, but apparently that’s…normal?

I took a few days off of life to visit family and friends “back home,” and sort of recenter my focus.  I know I say that a lot, but isn’t it important to stay centered? The world itself is so chaotic; people are always pushing and pulling you in different directions, while your own will does the same. I came to the conclusion this week that other peoples’ perceptions of you are actually reality, so I’m working now to put my best self forward (not just physically). I want what people perceive of me to be true, I want the truth to be what is perceived of me; I want to be the realest real and the best I can be. That being said, I’m going crazy…literally.

As Chrissy explained it to me this morning between sobs, “You’re on a low-carb, low-fat diet. Low carb = zero energy, fat regulates hormones, so no fat = crazy lady who hates herself. No carbs/No fat = zombie.” I’M THE ZOMBIE!

But apparently every thing I’m feeling right now is normal. Except that I’m here at my mother’s house…going even more insane.

So tomorrow I’m going for posing practice numero uno with my very best. I’ve got to take a few progress pictures to submit to my potential new coach (fingers crossed), and then I’ve got to kill my back and bi’s in my old stomping grounds.

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But on the real:

This isn’t easy, and nobody said it was going to be; in fact, everyone has said quite the opposite. It’s ok to be overwhelmed, it’s ok to be upset, and it’s ok to feel like quitting, but it’s important to get up and keep moving. I’ve always prided myself on my ability to get what I want, whether it was handed to me on a silver platter, or I had to bust my ass to get it, I’ve always gotten everything I’ve desired, and I’ve always achieved exactly what I want, so when did that stop? I have also prided myself on my ability to “wing shit.” I remember entering my first pageant and spouting out whatever came to mind as the mic was handed to me. I remember holding hands with the girls on stage as they announced the top 3, and I remember thinking, “I didn’t win, but this was pretty fun,” and then two seconds later they’re placing a crown on my head. So when did that change? Sometimes I get inside my head, and it seems when I have a plethora of people around supporting me I forget that I have two feet of my own.  I become dependent on the compliments and support and encouragement that I forget why I started this in the first place. I’m not doing it for anyone else, I never was. I’m doing this for me. As long as I get up there and I give it everything I have, then that should be enough.

Let that be enough.

What Grinds My Gears…

WARNING: Rant Ahead

So I’ve been at this fitness thing for years, right? I’ve played sports, was always an active child, and well-educated on nutrition my entire life. I like it, it’s my “thing,” I guess some could say.  You know what else is my “thing?” Bartending.

Recently I was nominated in my city as “Best Bartender,” which is pretty cool if you ask me.  I’m certainly NOT the best bartender, but I’m the best I know how to be.  Surprisingly, this nomination came shortly before my competition diet began round II, and I am slightly shocked by this because it’s become apparent to me that I’m actually a better bartender sober.  Not only do I have more patience, a higher tolerance for the drunken zombies, and faster work rate/higher quality drinks, but I’m more me when I work; I’m nicer.

I like people, believe it or not. And liking people makes my job a lot easier because drunk people aren’t always people. I know some of my customers read this, so don’t think I’m pin-pointing anyone in particular, but the drunk people I’m referring to are the aforementioned ‘zombies.’ There comes a point of intoxication when people are no longer themselves and, to be frank, they get annoying. They turn into this sloppy mess of a person who doesn’t realize his/her own inebriation, who orders 8 more rounds of shots for the group, then stumbles for 4.5 minutes trying to maneuver a debit card from their wallet which has now become some sort of Japanese finger trap.  But, being sober and logical, I can easily rationalize that, “Hey, we’ve all been there; here’s some water and I’ll still love you tomorrow night when you’re back at it.”

Since I’ve been tending bar sober for a month now, however, I’ve heard so many different opinions from people.

• I’m “more fun” when I’m drinking. FALSE. Though you might think I’m more fun, I’m just more focused on doing my job and doing it correctly. Also, I’m trying to get 8 hours of sleep each night and still function as a normal member of society. So “getting in and getting out” is the motive for now.
• I think I’m “better” than everyone else because I’m “fit.” FALSE. I don’t care if you drink, smoke, snort, dip, chew or shoot; you do you, I’m going to do me. We’ve all got a drug of choice and we’ve all got faults. Drinking doesn’t make you any less of a person, just as sobriety doesn’t make me any more. Trust me, once this is all said and done and the GOALS that I’ve set for myself are achieved, I will be throwing back quite a few beers.
• I can’t do anything because I have to go to the gym. FALSE. I do a lot of things, they just don’t revolve around drinking, which is a perfectly acceptable and normal pastime for the citizens of Lafayette, so by all means, continue to do so, and don’t feel obligated to exclude me just because I don’t imbibe. I paint, I read, I go see movies, I lay out at the pool, I go shopping, I take my dog to the park, I go bowling, I write, I consult other people on their diets. I have a life outside of fitness, this is just goal #1 for the meantime.

I want people to understand the concept of balance. You can have your cake and eat it too, but cake doesn’t fit my goals for the next 7.5 weeks; chicken and rice is where it’s at.  I’ve learned a lot through this whole prep. I’ve learned who my true friends are, how much I don’t need alcohol to take the strain off of social situations, and I’ve learned that food doesn’t have to be the center of social gatherings. I’ve also expanded my list of hobbies and talents as I’ve had to find other ways to occupy my time.

Now, that being said, I’ve also experienced the other side of that spectrum.  I found myself at a concert last week and had to remind myself that people weren’t staring at me because I wasn’t drinking. I had to continuously sip from a bottle of water just to occupy my awkwardness. I found that I didn’t know what to do with my hands and I couldn’t fully enjoy the music or the atmosphere being one of the only sober people in the building.  I also continue to take shots of water or SF Redbull at work, just to join in on the party or to connect with my co-workers/customers.

So when prep is done and I begin to reverse diet I think I’ll continue to remain sober most of the time, not because it makes me a better person than you, but because it makes me a better person than I used to be.  It doesn’t mean I won’t indulge or let loose from time to time, but I’ve learned the value of it and the “time and place” for it. Everyone is a critic and everyone has critics, but nobody’s hands are clean. I don’t write in this blog for anyone in particular, I don’t post my progress pictures to “flaunt,” and I don’t hashtag for attention.  I write because it keeps me focused and motivated, I’m proud of the work I’ve put in and the results that I’ve produced AND I enjoy sharing it with likeminded individuals. I don’t complain about the number of “party pics” or shots anyone takes, so unless someone is supportive of my goals, they shouldn’t be concerned with my ‘fitspo’ posts or food craving tweets.

Live and Let Live.

Nothing is Really Work

Unless you would rather be doing something else…” – J.M. Barrie

This post has been a long time coming, but as with any great decision, it has been backed by great doubt.  Long story short: we back in this bitch! How could I let 6 months of (not so) hard work go down the drain? This has been my dream for 4 years, and I shouldn’t let one small hiccup ruin that again.

First competition on the books is set for August 2nd, and I couldn’t be more excited.

I was pretty mad for a long time about my whole competition prep this season.  I had a boyfriend whom I felt was announcing every thing to the world, co-workers who were encouraging me to “just take 1 shot,” and parent’s breathing down my neck about whether or not I could handle the pressure of competition rebound and weight gain.  Of course ALL of those actions were based on good intentions; Los was just being supportive, my friends wanted to include me in their fun, and my parents are just looking out for my well-being. I get it.  However; I’d be lying if I said I felt as though I’d lost a piece of myself when I was told training could no longer continue. I felt like I’d let so many people down, myself included, and I really felt like I’d lost my purpose. I no longer had a goal to be accountable to, I no longer had the drive to motivate myself, much less inspire anyone else.

In one simple text conversation that all changed. My “coach” had decided to come out of retirement and compete in the last three shows of the season. She qualified for her pro card in 2011, but decided to focus on raising a family, and now, since that’s been put on hold, she’s decided to give it another shot. And with her announcement she included at the very bottom, “And it’s exactly 12 weeks tomorrow until the first competition 😉 😉 ” And my diet started the next day.

My mentality has completely changed as well; I’m hungry for personal success.  If you’re going to put your heart into something, you might as well do it for all the right reasons. Bikini girls get a bad rep for being “skinny,” or “cardio bunnies,” but I’m not trying to win some spring break wet t-shirt contest; I want muscle. I want to be strong. I want to surpass the stereotype and prove to myself that recovery is possible and that muscles really are beautiful. After some much needed quality time floating down the river, Los is completely on board. He’s been nothing short of amazing, making sure I eat, making sure we have enough food in the house, making sure I get what I need in the gym, making sure my supplements are available. He’s networked for me, encouraged me, but also respected my privacy. I’m very much an introvert and too much attention can backfire. And with that I can proudly announce that he has decided to compete as well.

It’s been 3 weeks since we started our journey together and it’s been quite an experience growing, learning and sharing.  We get to watch and encourage one another as our physiques change, and when our moments of weakness strike, which they do, we’re there to back one another and keep ourselves on track. I’m not sure I could’ve done this without him.

So I’m officially 8 weeks out as of this past Saturday. I’ve got my suit picked out (we order on Monday), I’ve started tanning, ordered my weave (yeah, girl!), and posing classes begin next week. I can’t wait to start writing more inspiring blogs instead of this mushy, emotional crap, but it keeps me on track…and well, this is my journey anyway.