I feel like I’m always writing about trials, or emotional breakdowns, or my pangs of competition, but apparently that’s…normal?
I took a few days off of life to visit family and friends “back home,” and sort of recenter my focus. I know I say that a lot, but isn’t it important to stay centered? The world itself is so chaotic; people are always pushing and pulling you in different directions, while your own will does the same. I came to the conclusion this week that other peoples’ perceptions of you are actually reality, so I’m working now to put my best self forward (not just physically). I want what people perceive of me to be true, I want the truth to be what is perceived of me; I want to be the realest real and the best I can be. That being said, I’m going crazy…literally.
As Chrissy explained it to me this morning between sobs, “You’re on a low-carb, low-fat diet. Low carb = zero energy, fat regulates hormones, so no fat = crazy lady who hates herself. No carbs/No fat = zombie.” I’M THE ZOMBIE!
But apparently every thing I’m feeling right now is normal. Except that I’m here at my mother’s house…going even more insane.
So tomorrow I’m going for posing practice numero uno with my very best. I’ve got to take a few progress pictures to submit to my potential new coach (fingers crossed), and then I’ve got to kill my back and bi’s in my old stomping grounds.
But on the real:
This isn’t easy, and nobody said it was going to be; in fact, everyone has said quite the opposite. It’s ok to be overwhelmed, it’s ok to be upset, and it’s ok to feel like quitting, but it’s important to get up and keep moving. I’ve always prided myself on my ability to get what I want, whether it was handed to me on a silver platter, or I had to bust my ass to get it, I’ve always gotten everything I’ve desired, and I’ve always achieved exactly what I want, so when did that stop? I have also prided myself on my ability to “wing shit.” I remember entering my first pageant and spouting out whatever came to mind as the mic was handed to me. I remember holding hands with the girls on stage as they announced the top 3, and I remember thinking, “I didn’t win, but this was pretty fun,” and then two seconds later they’re placing a crown on my head. So when did that change? Sometimes I get inside my head, and it seems when I have a plethora of people around supporting me I forget that I have two feet of my own. I become dependent on the compliments and support and encouragement that I forget why I started this in the first place. I’m not doing it for anyone else, I never was. I’m doing this for me. As long as I get up there and I give it everything I have, then that should be enough.
Let that be enough.